Dating vs Courting: Courtship in an Online Dating Culture

Dating has become the blanket terminology for the period leading up to a serious relationship or even engagement. If we dig deeper though, it's really identified by its purpose – to "try on" someone else that you often do not know very well, but would like to get to know through spending time alone with that person (or on occasion with groups). If we look up its definition online, it tells us,

It says dating falls into the category of courtship, but does it? There is definitely a blurry line between the definitions of those two camps today. While on the surface this definition sounds fine & dandy, the key phrase I want to draw attention to is "often with the intention of evaluating each other's suitability as a partner in a future intimate relationship." This step obviously needs to take place before any intimate relationship is formed, but this is where I believe the distinction between Dating and Courtship can start to be made – the order of events and the intention.

With dating, the intention is to get to know that person and if you don't feel any connection, don't like their personality, don't find them attractive, or they don't meet your wish-list, you can call it quits right out of the gate with no strings attached. Many mistakes are made in modern dating too in allowing physical affection to happen too early, in the name of "seeing if there's a spark" before deciding if it will work out. I would argue, that the train derails as soon as it leaves the station when we allow this to happen. The dating game has become a casual no-strings-attached culture, with oftentimes no intention towards marriage. It's getting the perks of a cancel-at-anytime subscription, rather than seeking out a binding contract. Our culture has normalized and prioritized physical attraction and intimacy over connection, close friendship, respect for one another (including in protecting each other's purity), commitment, and unity in beliefs. The bar has been set so low for singles, that it doesn't matter what the other person believes as long as you are attracted to them and they're a kind person. Even as believers, the bar has barely been elevated to attractive, kind, and "loves Jesus." Well, there's plenty of religions out there that say they "love Jesus", and the majority are not even true believers, nor do they even know what truly loving Christ looks like, much less the sovereignty of God in salvation. Single believers, we MUST have higher standards for a spouse than just "being a Christian."

In 1990, only 35 years ago, the average age for someone to get married was approximately 25 years old. Today, the average age to get married is 32 years old (up 4 years since 2024!). Why is this? The more our world (and Satan) desensitizes sin, the less they feel the need to make a forever commitment when they have the freedom to just live with the person they "love" now without the commitment attached. My argument would be that you don't truly love that person if you're not willing to commit to them forever. Deep down you're actually just leaving the "escape hatch" open just in case you change your mind. What they are doing is defying God's ordained design for His creation - two becoming one flesh in marriage.

Let's define courtship. Today when people picture courtship, their mind seems to go to extremes like in the olden days of arranged marriages... or the Duggars on TLC, haha. Some people take courtship to more extremes than others, though not a requirement for it to be considered courtship. It can be as strict as deemed necessary based on the couple - with Scripture as its guide, and Christ as its foundation. What we need to look at then, is biblical courtship as outlined in Scripture. Here are the key differentiators for courtship:

1. It's for Believers. (2 Corinthians 6:14-15)
   "Do not be unequally yoked with unbelievers. For what partnership has righteousness with lawlessness? Or what fellowship has light with darkness? What accord has Christ with Belial? Or what portion does a believer share with an unbeliever?" 
   
   Believers must have biblical standards and ask questions to ensure they are entering a relationship with a true believer. That is the baseline qualification, not the ONLY qualification. This implies a period of observing and getting to know the person that has stood out to you – to watch how they treat others, how they treat elders & children, how faithful and servant-hearted they are in their church, and most importantly how much they love the Lord. I've always felt that if, when you observe someone you respect and are interested in, their love for the Lord makes you say "wow" or encourages you to love the Lord more – that may be someone worth pursuing.
   
   
2. It's Intentional. (Genesis 2:18, 24; Matthew 19:5)
   "Then the Lord God said, 'It is not good that the man should be alone; I will make him a helper fit for him.'"..."Therefore a man shall leave his father and his mother and hold fast to his wife, and they shall become one flesh."
   
   If you are entering a courtship, you are entering a relationship with the intention of marriage being the end game. God created man and woman for marriage (though there are exceptions if the Lord wills otherwise for those who have been granted the desire for a different calling) and to glorify and serve God better together than you could do apart. If you have the desire for marriage, then the Lord has given you that desire, and you should be searching for someone that embodies a godly spouse – not figuring out if they are godly after you've gone on multiple dates with them. If you start dating someone you find attractive before you know their heart for the Lord (or lack thereof), then you get the cart before the horse. It often welcomes more heartbreak and potential trouble, because you may start falling for that person only to find out that they do not line up with the biblical standards you know are non-negotiables.
   
   
3. It's Centered Around Respect for Each Other.
   "Let love be genuine. Abhor what is evil; hold fast to what is good. Love one another with brotherly affection. Outdo one another in showing honor." (Rom. 12:9-1-0)
   
   "submitting to one another out of reverence for Christ." (Eph. 5:21)
   
   This comes in many forms, but ultimately bleeds into the next point. When you enter a courtship, you are looking to respect the other person.
   
   
4. It Prioritizes Protection of Physical Purity. 
   "Or do you not know that the unrighteous will not inherit the kingdom of God? Do not be deceived: neither the sexually immoral, nor idolaters, nor adulterers, nor men who practice homosexuality,"...
   "Flee from sexual immorality. Every other sin a person commits is outside the body, but the sexually immoral person sins against his own body." ...
   "But because of the temptation to sexual immorality, each man should have his own wife and each woman her own husband." (1 Cor. 6:9, 18, 7:2)
   
   "Can a man carry fire next to his chest and his clothes not be burned? Or can one walk on hot coals and his feet not be scorched?" (Prov. 6:27-28)
   
   "So flee youthful passions and pursue righteousness, faith, love, and peace, along with those who call on the Lord from a pure heart." (2 Tim. 2:22)
   
   "Husbands, love your wives, as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her, that he might sanctify her, having cleansed her by the washing of water with the word, so that he might present the church to himself in splendor, without spot or wrinkle or any such thing, that she might be holy and without blemish. In the same way husbands should love their wives as their own bodies" (Eph. 5:25-28)
   
   In courtship, protecting each other's purity is a huge differentiator. As Christians, we sometimes fool ourselves into thinking that we are strong enough to withstand temptations of intimacy, foolishly trusting both yourself and the other person – but even believers have a flesh and can fall into sin. Protecting each other can mean simply setting physical boundaries at the onset to protect yourself from temptation, as well as boundaries that protect the setting you will put yourself in with that person (dark room, alone in a car at night, etc.). However, I am personally not an advocate of the extreme of NEVER being alone with that person, and always in a group. I do not believe you can get to know a person FULLY without some one-on-one time, not everyone is themselves in a group. That being said, I do believe it is important to only spend time together in public settings (and some group settings) where there is accountability. I also believe 2 Timothy 2:22 is a big reason I'm personally not a proponent for long engagements, as I don't think it's wise prolonging things for too long and making it even harder on the couple. Protecting each other's purity can also take the form of protecting our eyes and thoughts from lust, which are often the door to our hearts. For women, this can look like modesty so as not to make purity of mind harder on the man you are with. For men, it can mean refraining from inappropriate comments/compliments, and protecting the each other's eyes from things on screen that can provoke them to inappropriate thoughts. ("I will not set before my eyes anything that is worthless." Ps. 101:3)

If I could sum up the difference between dating and courtship for you in one word, it would be intentionality. The goal with courtship is to be personally and individually pursuing Christ, and then along the journey finding someone who is doing the same thing. Let's also be clear, that the man's role is to do the pursuing. He should be intentional in pursuing her as Christ pursues the church. This pursuit happens over time and with counsel, but should be made clear to the one he desires to pursue. It is vital to find out all of these make-or-break biblical beliefs before even considering a relationship with that person, because there MUST be a unified biblical foundation laid at the onset on which to build a God-honoring marriage and family.

In light of this, many single believers are asking themselves, "how do I find the one that the Lord has for me?" Unfortunately, it's often true that the more biblical standards and non-negotiables we have, the harder it is to find people who align. And the busier and older we get, the less of a social circle we have. Because of this, singles are flooding to online dating, where you can filter the man or woman "of your dreams". Sometimes this route is successful! But in my experience, I would argue that it seems to be the ideal place for Christians with little to no doctrinal standards. For those of us at GBC, where we are baptists that believe in the sovereignty of God in salvation, the local church rather than a universal church, baptism by immersion, a pre-tribulational rapture & a pre-millenial Second Coming, and the conviction of not drinking alcohol, we can begin to feel that it's impossible to find someone with the same standards.

So I will return to the original question I asked – culture says dating falls into the category of courtship, but does it? If we are taking it into our own hands to find someone by going online, are we fully trusting the Lord to provide that person? Or are we forcing doors open for Him, because we don't fully believe He could provide someone where we presently are? I want to encourage you (myself included) to trust Him, even when it's hard. Even when you've been waiting 10+ years. Even when your church is small. Even when you endure verbal persecution for your biblical stances/standards/convictions. Be patient, it'll be worth it. His timing and plan is SO much greater than we can dream up, and He knows us better than we know ourselves. Pursue Christ while you have the extra time on your hands, spend extra time being a student of the Word not just reading it, and I guarantee that you will see the things of earth growing dim in the light of His glory and grace. The less earthly distractions, the more content you will be in Him, and that is most likely the precise moment He will bring you the one He created for you.